Recently, the word ‘weak’ keeps appearing in my mind, why am i so weak? i strive to be good at things but i can always never be good enough, i have no idea what my strengths are. I keep failing at the things i want, its like i am never good enough as such i am unable to achieve it. Can someone tell me how can i be better in what i do? for example squash, i train 3x as hard during my Polytechnic days, i wanted to win a Silver very badly, if possible a Gold.
I literally sacrifice everything i had for it, 2x school training, 2x private training, 1x self-training and 2x match experience. i train literally everyday. i gave up a-lot for it, my studies, my social life and maybe my family? But at the end of the day all i got was a Bronze. I was really disappointed, like why is it that i train so hard and i still can’t achieve better? Whats more it was my last year, i didn’t skip training, even if i was sick and was injured i still went for training.
I still remember one training whereby i was running a fever and still went for training, i felt really ill and halfway during training i just puke. It was like weeks before Pol-Ite.(Poly-Ite games) on my way home i fainted and needed to call my sis to pick me up at St.Gabs. I knew i was weak, therefore i needed to train, what others gain in years and years of training, i had only 2 years to gain. Every training i went was a chance for me to improve, i gave my 100% for every training i went, doing all the shitty physical and shit.
When i was brought to the team during my 2nd year, there was internal conflict within my team, started by a certain someone, he said i was being too arrogant and was too serious. I was serious in every training giving my 100%, i started from scratch, i never played a racquet sports before in my life. So i was one of the lousiest member in the team. So they started hating my work ethics. I don’t mind, you can’t expect everyone to have the same working style as you. Some of them were being half-ass during training, It made me really wanting to quit, plus the constant nagging from my parents to why am i going home so late everyday.
I was on the verge of quitting when one of my friend said this to me ‘ No matter what happen, squash is an individual sport, when you enter the court you will be alone, no one is going to help you, its only a team sport whereby you train together. Just be the best and everyone will automatically keep their mouth shut, if they see how fast you improve they might chance their attitude during training. “Lead by Example”. Hearing what she said, i decided to train twice as hard.
I was the 6th seed during my 2nd year, During my last Pol-Ite i was the 1st seed. But despite my effort my teammates weren’t motivated but instead they felt ‘ whats the point of training so hard? i can’t beat him no matter how hard i try’. Then it hit me. Some people don’t value the spot they got, in their mind they are satisfied with just being in the team. I don’t have to be the best, as long as i am in, that is all that matters. Why did i train so hard for a team that don’t even aim to win.
Alright enough of the ranting about my life. In short, we lost 3-2 in the deciding game, there is this quote i will always remember ‘ how much effort you put into something, it will show when it counts’. I won my all my games 3-0 without losing a set.
There are a-lot of things which i wanted and i gave my all, literally my all, doing everything i possibly can. But i am close to never able to get it. It strikes me that ‘I AM WEAK’ and no matter how hard i put effort into it, i will never achieve it. There are so many things i feel i’m weak at
Naming a few
I am a horrible friend,
I don’t have emotions,(lots of people say i am emotionless)
i am not sensitive to other people feelings.
i am selfish.
Well those are somethings that goes through my mind everyday, i’m honestly someone who is a bad person. Maybe that is why recently i have been going out and doing things alone? Why bring misery to others right? if you know you are a bad person to associate with then you should keep a distance from others, don’t bring your suffering to people.
(The smarter you, the darker you see the world as, Maybe its good to be stupid, cause when you are stupid, you focus less, you know less and when you know less you care less. Problems arise only when you care, when you don’t care its not going to affect you.)
Believe In Your Beliefs 